tortured (poetically)
I had to stop listening to Taylor Swift's new album because it was affecting me emotionally + April RECAP
Since Taylor dropped her latest album, The Tortured Poets Department, I haven’t stopped thinking about heartache and its effect on our self-esteem and sense of self. On how much power we give to pain and how we let it rule our lives.
Six months ago, I had to let someone go. Every day their absence hurts less, but since April 19th, I haven’t stopped crying. Listening to lines such as “Does it feel alright to not know me? I’m addicted to the if only” broke my spirit and made me realize that maybe there are still unresolved emotions that I haven’t acknowledged.
It is crazy to think that a billionaire and I could have anything in common. Yet anger, disappointment, regret, and self-hatred are universal emotions. When Taylor sang “My muses, acquired like bruises,” I felt seen, especially because heartbreak and pain were what inspired me to start writing. I was hurt, so I transformed that pain into words.
The general public and music critics have called Taylor an impostor for appropriating the tortured poet persona. At the end of the day, there is nothing tortured about a global superstar. My issue with these people is that they ignore how comedic and self-aware this record is. She knows she is not a tortured poet; she even sings in the title track:
“You’re not Dylan Thomas, I’m not Patti Smith, this ain’t the Chelsea Hotel, we’re modern idiots”
The Tortured Poets Department is fatalistic—a hyperbole-made record. Is supposed to be as dramatic and obnoxious as it can be. On my first listen, I was deeply overwhelmed. There were so many lyrics, oxymorons, and metaphors that I couldn’t keep up. I could feel Taylor’s anger vibrating through my headphones, and I wasn’t prepared to listen to that side of her. Her music has always been diaristic, but this album took it to the maximum level. Taylor was pissed, and she wanted everyone to know it.
This record uses confessional poetry to illustrate the idea of wanting to be loved and chosen so badly that you are willing to accept loveless behavior. It’s an album for the women who can’t help but stay down bad, regardless of poor male behavior. Valerie Estrina speaks about it in her essay, what's up with all the romantic suffering? She writes:
I also find it fascinating that Swift, being a 34-year-old private jet connoisseur, probably set us all back a good decade, but in a way that weirdly feels indulgent, relatable, and tragically good. Cause why decenter men when you can “just die, it would make no difference” in the midst of pining for a guy who goes on podcasts to say questionable things? Even I, no longer an impressionable young woman, wasn’t immune: the album is bringing up a lot of old humiliation with a sour aftertaste of romantic failure. When arguably the most successful woman in the world makes a 2-hour long record about dying for a failed situationship, something’s not adding up here. I thought this was a classy party… What’s up with all of this yearning and being down bad? Is trading our dignity for a chance to be loved second nature to us?
When I first listened to the album, I didn’t feel personally affected by any of the songs, but the more I listened, the more it hurt and the more I felt spoken to. Why was I adding songs to a playlist I hadn’t listened to in months? I blame Taylor. I also blame myself. There is something so luscious about pining for someone, about lying on the floor while I sing, “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all,” that I couldn’t help myself. I had to make myself miserable again. Even when thinking about the person who hurt me and who has inspired most of my poems doesn’t cause me the poignant pain it used to, listening to the album made me want to feel hurt again. How else was I supposed to enjoy it?
A greater woman has faith
But even statues crumble if they're made to wait
I'm so afraid I sealed my fate
No sign of soulmates
I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige
Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay
In The Prophecy, Taylor exhibits vulnerability like she has never done before. A prophecy is something that can be undone. Still, Taylor howls at the moon. She begs for it to be undone. She sings that she doesn’t want money, only someone who wants her company (tax her then!). This song is an ode to female yearning, and I felt embarrassed about how much I relate to it. I don’t want to spend my entire life wishing for a love that saves me. I don’t want to be consumed by the turmoil of romance.
Don’t get me wrong, I love love, and I think without love, life would be pointless and gray, but I think we should think more critically about how much we let the pursuit of romantic love rule our lives. Where do our priorities lie? Is finding ‘the one’ the most important?
I’m choosing not to listen to the saddest songs (28 of them) on TTPD until I feel ready to listen to them with a grain of salt. Hopefully, I’ll be able to put distance between the lyrics and my past experiences soon, because it’s a beautiful body of work.
Now, onto April’s RECAP.
Rated high: I watched Challengers, and like everyone and their mother, I’m obsessed with it and want to marry Zendaya. I gave it four stars and a heart. I’m sure that when I re-watch it, I will rate it higher.
Excited about: Having free time. For the last two years, I have spent my summer break overseas working, and even though I love traveling, I am also very excited about having free time for myself and my projects. No classes, no work. I can’t wait.
Crying to: The Tortured Poets Department, duh. Specifically, The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, Peter and lolm.
Addicted to: This Spotify playlist! It’s great for every moment.
Pleased about: My country broke diplomatic relations with Israel. I couldn't be happier.
Luisa, good work :)
thanks for reading <3