desire, i want to turn into you
on restraint and the power of the erotic
When we got to the top of the building and went outside to the rooftop the first thing I noticed was the smell of cigarettes. Weed and nicotine. My nostrils flared almost instinctively, taking it all in. I knew immediately that I wanted one. I searched the room looking for an empty place we could claim. Above us, hundreds of hanging light bulbs glowed like giant fireflies. A pink-reddish light engulfed the entire room, and the temperature was warmer than inside. Not only was it hot, but the energy felt different. People were standing closer together. Not a speck of personal space in sight. For once, I liked being physically close to others. I liked that we had no choice but to stand next to one another.
Cigarettes for me have been an acquired taste. Once a smell I despised, now a substance my body craves exclusively on nights like this. Still, I refuse to buy my own cigarettes. I find it too depressing to smoke by myself at home. If I want one, it’s always in social situations. Lately, I’ve been asking strangers for a spare. Not only is a great conversation starter. It’s a great way to get closer to someone. Physically. The act of someone lighting a cigarette for you while holding eye contact is one of the most erotic actions known to humankind. In my books, at least.
“There’s your victim,” said Mafe and pointed to a man about four meters afar from where we were dancing. He was attractive. Dark hair, aquiline nose, light skin. Most importantly, he had a cigarette in his hand. But I was too far to tell if he spoke English or Spanish.
Once I gathered courage, I tapped his shoulder and asked for a spare. Without hesitation, he took two from the pocket of his shorts. He handed one to me, and I asked for a light. I was expecting him to pass me a lighter, but instead, he took the cigarette out of my hands and lit it with his own. Mhm. When I thanked him, he gave me a smile and a small nod. I knew then that the interaction was over. I took my free cigarette and my hurt pride and went back to dancing.