ego death

unsolicited advice, session 01: on how to stop being a narcissist

Last year I thought about myself more times than I would like to admit. Thoughts of; am I embarrassing, how do I look, is this person perceiving how I want them to? were ever-present in my mind.

Every generation struggles with identity. But for those of us born after 1996 and before 2002, identity means something more complex than for our predecessors. We attach what we like and what we do to who we are. Losing sense of self. Gaining exuberant amounts of consciousness; aware of all our flaws, never our strengths. A so-called self-awareness that is detrimental instead of consequential.

The internal and the external becoming one after years of isolation; making us confused and overwhelmed about who we are. Constantly worried about how we present ourselves. Residing within self-made cages manifested as social anxiety, which prevents us from living life as we want to. An ever-present stream of consciousness that acts like a governess holding a stick, ready to hit us if we fail, lingering in our mind like a leech clings to skin.

The concept of Ego was popularized in psychology by Freud as the psychic instance that allows individuals to recognize themselves and their personality. In our egoistical and hyper-independent society; saturated by media made by pseudoscientists who communicate in therapy speak, without so much of a bachelor’s in psychology, who believe personal inconvenience is a worse transgression than apathy, I fear that ego and death of it are misunderstood.

We must not consider the ego as “good” or “bad.” It just is. Trying to assign verdicts to all we are or do keep us distracted from who we could be. The issue occurs when your ego dominates every aspect of your life. When all you do is only for your benefit. When you put your needs above everyone else’s. When you are only living to make the voice in your head happy.

I’ve seen so many videos about people talking about how they had an ego death after experimenting with psychedelics. They (usually men) describe this experience as the first time they developed empathy for others. Mushrooms were the catalyst that showed them they were not the only living creatures on the planet, nor the only ones with feelings.

Either way, whether you experienced ego death through substances or not, the experience is about surrender. Waving the white flag. Evicting all the spiderwebs that had become permanent residents of your mind. About being truly self-aware of who you are and your surroundings. About caring for others as much as you care for yourself.

November 11th, 2024 (excerpt from a piece I started writing and never finished)

“When we got to the club, the bouncer asked for everyone’s ID, except mine. I went through the door and thought, “That felt nice. Am I finally a grown woman?”

I’m older than all of them by just a year or two. But I’ve always been more serious; maybe that’s why I look older. Not because of my age, but because I look stuck-up, that ages me up.

For the longest time, I feared the idea of growing old. I dreaded birthdays and cried on every single one. Mourning the death of the girl I was that year. Afraid of the one I was becoming.

This year is different. I am excited about my birthday. I am happy that other people can tell I’m a woman and not a girl. It feels vindicating.

It was 10:30 PM by the time we went inside, but the room was already full. People grinding each other, men looking for night prey, waiters carrying bottles and small glasses—the place was thriving. Ale insisted we needed to get drinks. I convinced her we didn’t. We are able to have fun without alcohol in our bloodstream, I told her.

Maybe I am maturing, I thought. I didn't care that people were watching. I just wanted to have fun.

We danced until our feet hurt.”

It’s funny to read this fragment now. At the time I felt somehow hopeful about growing a year older. It all went downhill when the date got closer. A ‘one for the ages’ meltdown ruled my emotions the day of my birthday. Making me an insufferable person to be around. I felt miserable the days after. Too in my head. Self-sabotaging. Tale as old as time.

A week ago, something shifted. I felt clarity for the first time in a long time. Suddenly, the self-inflicted wounds by words of hatred and pity clouding my brain disappeared. I felt in control of my own life. I thought, is this what the last stage of your frontal lobe development feels like? I had no idea, but I felt less worried about how other people perceived me. Most importantly, I didn’t care how the voice in my head perceived me. I experienced ego death.

I couldn’t keep making myself smaller. I decided to walk away from the pity play fueled by a victim complex and act like I deserve to want what I want. No excuses.

Needless to say, it hasn’t been an easy path. You don’t forget the self-realm filled with hatred your mind has believed in since you were an insecure teenager. But I am at peace with knowing everything truly valuable and lasting in life takes time.

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One thing I learned last year was that self-hatred and self-sabotage are both rooted in narcissism. Not only you experience an exaggerated amount of thoughts about yourself, you lack empathy towards your own struggles. You can’t stand your own criticism. You feel the need to look down on yourself. So busy thinking about how many flaws you have that you aren’t aware of your strengths. That’s when your ego wins. When you can’t step outside yourself.

The new year is famously the perfect time to start doing everything you said you would accomplish last year but didn’t. I believe that there is not such a thing as right time. You will always find an excuse, a mischance, a setback. Life will never make things easy for you. You have to decide to make it easy yourself.

If one of your intentions for this year is to be less egoistical, here’s what you need to do:

Be proud of where and who you come from. Don't be ashamed of your accent, your family, or your lack of cultural capital. You have nothing to prove. You are worthy even if unsuccessful, ugly, or unfunny. Stop comparing your journey to the one of people who grew up with more privileges than you. Accept you will never reach their leverage. Don’t wear yourself thin trying to be someone you are not just to be around influential people. It’s not worth the pain.

Forget nonchalance. Pretending we are made of steel and above pain is no way of living. We all feel pain, shame, and jealousy. Talking about these is uncomfortable, but what’s the point of living if we avoid it? Ignoring your emotions won’t make them go away. They will just grow until implosion. Get in touch with your emotions and show them. The right people will reciprocate your feelings.

In relation to the last one; if you miss someone, reach out to them. Once you let go of pride and stop treating relationships as battlefields, where someone needs to have the upper hand at all times, you leave room to grow, and your relationships will get stronger because of it. Double text! Even better, call! If someone is not texting you back and you need a quick response or really want to talk to them, don’t be afraid to show it. Interest is sexy. If people find you intense, then they’re not your people. Go out and find them.

Allow nuance into your life. The world is not black and white. We are all walking contradictions. This one has been hard for me to grasp because I tend to believe I hold all the secrets to life and that I am always right, but questioning your beliefs is never unproductive. If anything, questioning them can reinforce why you believe in them. Talk to people with different points of view, especially and almost exclusively to the ones who are open to talking to you too. Be open to the strange.

Trust people. Not everyone is out to get you, using you, and plotting for your fall. There are a lot of people who will hurt you, but that is not reason to deny yourself the opportunity to find the ones who will make you happy. Don’t let one bad experience dictate your future ones.

Stop making assumptions. Part of being a narcissist is believing that you are above others and know how every situation will play out. But you can’t anticipate everything. Shit happens. The world will throw difficulties at you all the time. You cannot see all of them coming.

Post less. I don’t believe that social media is completely useless. I like taking pictures, curating different aesthetics, trying new ways of dressing. But, I realized that everytime I went to a cute café or wore a cute outfit I felt the need to post it on instagram. Sometimes, your best outfits won't be photographed. Your best meals won't either. You will be too busy being present and enjoying time to think about stoping someone from eating because you were trying really hard to take the perfect picture of your croissant and macchiato. Embrace privacy. You don’t need to tell your instagram followers every time you go out. You don’t have to post your location everytime you travel. Let people dm you asking where you are. Let it be a conversation starter. Let them ask instead of telling.

Let silence linger. Don't feel prompted to fill in the gaps. Sometimes silence leads to great clarity and reflections. It can be uncomfortable at times, but if you stop the anxious voice living in your head, you will be able to learn to live with discomfort. It makes you someone adaptable to your surroundings.

Go out to places with a bare face and frizzy hair. Even when you know you will be taking pictures. Even when meeting your crush. Learning how to be comfortable in our simplest, effortless, and most ordinary form is a skill we should all master, and that can enhance your confidence because it’s not reliant on your physicality. It’s about feeling enough.

Create just for the sake of creating. Not for the need of instant gratification. We all want to be seen; we all want attention. No shame in that. But not all we do needs to be seen and appreciated by the external world. Some stuff we can do just for us. Just to bring us joy. Just to scratch an itch.

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Some updates…

Hey!

This is the first post of a new series I created called unsolicited advice session. A collection of my most relevant contemplations and reflections. Here, I give unsolicited advice to anyone who finds it valuable.

One thing about me is that I LOVE talking about feelings. I love giving advice, and I’m pretty good at it. Ask any of my friends for referrals. I’ve even worked as a teen counselour, and not to brag but my mentees always rated me as the best mentor.

The first one you get as a treat, but this will be part of my paid content. If you enjoyed this one and want to keep reading the monthly series, I encourage you to become a paid subscriber if it’s within your possibilites. I want to make Substack my priority this year but a girl has to eat.

Thank you for your support.