I do it for myself

On getting back into fitness, how my self-perception was impacted by my family's opinions, beauty standards, and body neutrality.

After two years of not feeling strong enough to get back to lifting weights, I gathered the courage to sign up for a three-month gym membership. 

Before the pandemic, I was very into fitness, exercise, counting my calories, and eating 'healthy'. It got to the point where I started restricting foods from my diet. I didn't understand it at the time, but I was doing it for the sake of appearance rather than health. I lost a lot of weight, and everyone noticed. They complimented me on my appearance and asked about my diet. I convinced myself that being thin enhanced my worth. People's compliments motivated me to keep going.

I don’t look at nutritional labels, restrict, or avoid any food (except for meat) anymore. I have a better relationship with exercise and food. Nonetheless, I can't help but feel like I'd be prettier if I were thinner, taller, or had a smaller chest. The desire to shrink myself never leaves me. Eliza Mclamb said it best in It’s Never Over (the indomitable desire to be thin)

“Listening to “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” by Jeff Buckley and sobbing to the line “It’s never over,” not in a breakup way, but in the way that I have never spent a day of my waking life without wanting to be smaller than I am right now… The promise of thinness exists to me as a perpetual taunt, an enemy and a friend all at once, the carrot at the end of the stick and then the stick that turns to beat me over the head.”

At fourteen, I became obsessed with Victoria’s secret angels. I would watch the annual fashion shows religiously and follow the models on Instagram. I looked up to them. Why? Because they were thin. They were everything I hoped to be.

Fillers, botox, lash lifts, and laser hair removal have become procedures women get regularly. Beauty is capital; being "pretty" or conforming to beauty standards puts you at the top of the social hierarchy. Women will do anything to reach the top. Even spend a lot of money and time that could be used for something more significant.

Being raised in a Colombian family meant that my mother and other relatives scrutinized my body from a young age. Before my communion ceremony, people started saying that I would need to drop some weight to fit into my dress. I was then put on a diet, and I was only ten years old.

(I hated how I looked that day. Now I get emotional and sad about how mean I was to little me.)

In Spanish, when you’re getting ready, we say “me estoy arreglando,” which means “I’m fixing myself.” The stereotype of a Colombian woman is constantly "arreglada: fixed" Nails are done; hair is straight; brows are waxed. It is also very common for women to wear "fajas," an undergarment used to enhance and shape their figure, usually made of elastic fabric and sometimes including other reinforcement elements.

I had no idea how vain Colombian women were or how much time and money we spent on beauty rituals until I lived with women from other countries and learned my beauty regimens were not the common denominator. It was shocking since I am not the type of girl who puts a lot of work into her appearance; at least that is what I thought. 

Since then I’ve done a lot of work to deconstruct the ingrained beliefs that have been compelled into my brain about beauty since childhood. From reading radical feminist theory and decentering men from my life and being grateful for everything my body does and allows me to do.

I now see my body for what it is and not for what it has been subjected to. I finally understood that I don’t owe anyone prettiness, not even to myself. I know that we women believe that doing beauty rituals makes us feel better about ourselves, and maybe it does have an impact on our emotional state, but not for the reasons we think. Ask yourself: Why do I feel more confident when concealer covers my eyebags or foundation evens out my skin tone?

We've been trained to believe that our appearance is the most important aspect of ourselves. If we've spent our entire lives being told that we should do all in our power to be pretty, how can we stop now?

Mitski said it best in Brand New City:

“But if I gave up on being pretty, I wouldn't know how to be alive.”

We have to stop lying to ourselves. We are not wearing makeup every time we leave our house or getting cosmetic procedures for our own selves. We do it because we have to. To obtain social capital.

Thoughts about "bettering” myself will likely linger in my mind forever. The good news is that I'm not allowing these thoughts to control my life anymore. I exercise to feel better, to combat my sadness and anxiety, and to avoid inheritable illnesses. I don't force myself to exercise every day. I try to move my body in any manner possible, whether it's stretching, pilates, yoga, or a midnight dancing break. Anything involving movement anchors me and helps clear my mind. 

Reminding myself of this intention allows me to set boundaries and re-establish my relationship with exercise when I'm feeling anxious. Going to the gym has become more of a mindfulness activity than a compensatory one. Thinness isn’t my main goal in life anymore. I crave human connection, experiences, traveling, and knowledge.

I was not born into this world to be something pretty to look at. I was born to be alive. Remember, we are more than skin and bones. As Louisa May Alcott once wrote, 

“Women, they have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they’ve got ambition, and they’ve got talent, as well as just beauty”

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Hi, my loves!

I can't believe how many of you have become a part of this family in the past few days. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you. It means the world to me that you take time out of your day to read my work.

Next on All Over the Place:

• A new entry about a specific topic every fifteen days (essays, articles, reviews)

• By the end of every month, I will deliver directly to your inbox a RECAP, which covers what I've been loving, hating, and obsessing over. Every letter in the word RECAP will signify something different each month (kudos to my queen, Claudia Sulewski because I 100% stole this idea from her.)

• Discussion. It's become tougher to have strong opinions about anything these days without it turning into an online conflict and a reason to be canceled. I'm hoping this becomes an outlet for us to discuss different viewpoints and voice our—possibly unpopular—opinions.

Again, thank you for being here. I encourage you to use the comment section as you wish; it’s yours to speak.

See you soon!

Love,

Luisa