a letter to recent graduates
unsolicited advice 03: on post grad crash out and big life changes + things you can do to self-soothe
The unsolicited advice sessions are a collection of my most relevant contemplations and reflections. Here, I give unsolicited advice to anyone who finds it valuable. The first one was free as a gift. You can read it here. It was about how to stop thinking about ourselves so much. The second one was about how to navigate hating your friends boyfriends and female friendships.
If you are curious about this one and want to keep reading the monthly series, I encourage you to become a paid subscriber if it’s within your possibilites.
I graduated from university with a bachelor’s in Political Science and International Relations earlier this month. The day I waited for so long finally came, but when they handed me the diploma, I didn’t feel any sense of accomplishment. I was just happy I could go back to my seat.
Everyone keeps congratulating me for my hard work, but the truth is that I didn’t work that hard for my degree. My program was relatively easy: read a bunch of papers that old white men wrote about society and institutions a hundred years ago, write essays about it, stay on top of global issues news, take a test about it, go to class, take some electives, get good enough grades to pass to the next semester, get an internship, write a thesis, and graduate.
Maybe I’m undermining my professors work and my own. Let me try and paint a bigger picture.
My degree although not extremely hard, it taught me a lot about life and myself. One of the things I am most grateful is that it helped me develope high critical thinking skills. It made me a better reader, a better listener and a better writer. It also made me a better person. It made more understanding, and more open to different ideas and points of view.
I really wish I had taken more advantage of it. I loved going to class. Now, don’t be confused, getting out of my house and taking two buses to get to campus was a daily struggle, one that I wasn’t able to perform every day, but the act of being in a classroom and learning something new and having discussions with my classmates and professors was always my favorite part about persuing higher education. Even outside of the classroom, I appreciate all the conversations I had with them and I remember it fondly.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go to the college that I went to. I wanted to study in a different city, at a more expensive and prestigious university. But my parents couldn’t afford it, and taking on student loans just so I could say I went to that school was never in my plans. I’m glad I didn’t because I graduated debt-free, and that is something in today’s world you can’t take for granted.
When I say getting my degree was easy, what I mean is that I had it easy. I was lucky enough to have parents who could afford to pay for my private education and to support me financially and emotionally for the five years that my program lasted. All I had to do was go to class, read some texts, analyze them, and write essays. I didn’t have to take up a job to help me cover my expenses, and I was living at the same house I’ve been living in since I was 13. I had it so much easier than other people my age. I had it easier than even my sister who went to study abroad and had to fend for herself in a foreign country with a history of racism and xenophobia.
Of course, I didn’t even realize how fortunate I was in my first semester; I was too consumed with my own egoistical issues to notice it, but I see it now. I see it so clearly.
A part of me feels proud to look back and see how much growth I did in five years. 19-year-old me would not believe me if I told her she is doing fine. But I am doing fine. The other side of me feels numb. It’s not a big deal that I have a degree, especially one with so little success, and hard to use without the correct social capital.
Some days I feel hopeless about getting a job in my field. The job market is awful and I should just settle for any job that pays me enough to get by. But, settling doesn’t sit right with me.
The thing is, even when this feeling of numbness overcomes me, I don’t regret for a second choosing this degree. I do wish I would’ve taken more advantage of my classes, made more friends, and joined any student club, but I was in a totally different place back then, and I didn’t have the mindset I have now. I don’t know how I feel about the “everything happens for a reason” notion. What I do know is that there are specific experiences for specific times. Back then I wasn’t open to newness, but I am now, and that’s all that matters. I can’t go back, but I can move forward. More confident and aware.
I’ve been drafting this piece for a week now, and all the advice I try to spell out reads as self-helpy at best and condescending at worst. “Don’t worry about the future.” “You’ll have time.” “You’re not alone in this feeling” are phrases thrown at recent college graduates when they express feeling scared about the future. Although there is good sentiment behind them, they do little to comfort people going through a major life change. So, I won’t tell you any of that. Instead I will tell you what I think can help us ease the pain that comes with uncertainty after graduation.
Let me be clear, I still haven’t had the infamous post grad crash out. But I feel it deep in my bones like a premonition. I can see it starting with something little, like a twitch in my eye every time a family member asks about my future plans, and would probably end up with me crying, lying down on my kitchen floor, and thinking about how stupid it was to go into social sciences. But then I will pick myself up and remind myself that I didn’t go to college just to get a degree. I went there to learn. And I did.
Over the years in therapy I learned that for the most part you can’t avoid life and its painful events, but you can prepare for them. You can have the skills and tools to help your body emotionally regulate and there are certain things you can do to avoid exacerbating pain and distress.
This letter is my attempt at trying to prepare for when the inevitable post-grad crash-out happens.
First, I want to keep learning. I know most people who graduate college never want to touch a textbook or open a PDF ever again, but with the literacy rates we have right now, I think it is imperative that we seek education and knowledge post-graduation. I don’t want to give my brain a rest. I want to keep challenging it. Feeling challanged and motivated by education can give us a sense of proactiviy and purpose. If we spend all day looking at our screens, not learning anything new the inevitable self hatred after spending too much time on them will arrive.
There are so many ways in which we can pursue knowledge after university, but this is not what this post is about. I would be lying if I sat here and wrote to you about how I fixed my attention span and read 40 academic articles since finishing my degree because I haven’t. I spend more time looking at a screen than reading a book; it's painful and embarrassing to admit, but that’s my reality. I am trying, though.
My friend
recently wrote an essay on how to fix your attention span and prioritize learning post-college. She delves into how post-grad academic learning was not a required daily task in her life anymore and how she felt her curiosity for knowledge die by the day. She’s cracked the perfect anti-brain-rot formula, and I really encourage you to read her post. I already told her this, but I am implementing so much of her advice in my daily life, and hopefully soon it will feel like part of my routine instead of something I force myself to do. Like eating a balanced meal when all you really want is a cheese pizza and a coke.One of the things I am doing is starting my day by reading something. Whatever you choose is fine, but as it becomes more of a routine, try choosing harder topics and heavier reads. We are so used to choosing the easiest path, the one that makes us more comfortable, the one that doesn’t challenge us. So much so that we are losing critical thinking skills. Yes, reading romance and fantasy books is cute and fun, and you should never stop reading what makes you happy, but try at least twice a week to read something that challenges you and teaches you something new.
Now, I know you didn’t want to hear this. But you need a social media detox. Not in the way you think; I don’t think deleting your social media will make your crash out feel any better, but I do think you can make your time on social media be more pleasant, and less anxiety inducing. How do you do this? By unfollowing anyone who makes you feel bad. I try to do a cleanout on my socials every few months, and it feels so good to do it. I know you think you need to follow that one girl you took one class with, but when was the last time you spoke with her? Is she someone who you actually want to keep in your life? Did her engagement announcement bring you any happiness? Same thing with that man you matched with on Bumble three years ago and never went on a date with. Do you even care about the stories of a car wheel that he posts? If you want to protect your peace you have to do a Marie Kondo on your Instagram; if it doesn’t spark joy, hit the unfollow button.