can i have my cake and eat it too?

on greedy women and wanting the best of both worlds

If I had to describe my behavior in 2024 in one word, I would say that I have been "still." I’ve been on pause, or at least that’s how I feel. It’s like I’m waiting for something great to happen. But all I do is wait. I don’t act. I don’t make it happen for myself. The truth is, I am scared all the time, about everything. I'm scared I’m doing too little, and I’m scared I’m doing too much.

Maybe I should grant myself grace and stop wallowing. This unnecessary pressure I’ve been putting on myself is inconsequential. Yet… I cannot think about three things that I have accomplished this year. Apart from creating this newsletter, I haven’t challenged myself in any area of my life. For months, I've been walking around with an excruciating feeling of shame. I'm ashamed of my body and of my lack of intelligence, but mostly I’m ashamed of my unwillingness to want something hard enough to fight for it.

In our last session, my therapist asked me how I measure success. I told her I didn’t have a clear answer. I said that to me, success wasn’t about achieving great things. It was about finding purpose and having stability. 

I didn’t lie. I do believe what I said. But if she asked me again, I would say that I wish I could be one of those women who fight with their fists and teeth for what they want and are not ashamed of their hunger for success. I wish BIG things for myself—I want to write a book. I want it to do well commercially while also being critically acclaimed. I want to write the script for a movie, and I want to cast myself in it. I want to get two masters and a PhD. I want to be a star. But I lack discipline, and I fear people will look at me and criticize me, declaring that I don’t deserve it. Worse, what if they call me greedy for wanting it too much?

Syd in 2x09 of ‘The Bear’ when her dad tells her that she doesn’t have to make everything the thing.

Women in real life, as well as in fiction are often criticized for their willingness to get what they want. Usually, when women publicly express their desire to be successful and 'the greatest' in their line of work, they are labeled "evil" and “greedy.” Society punishes them for wanting success. And it does so by villainizing them.

One recent example of this phenomenon is the main character of Challengers (2023), Tashi Duncan, portrayed by Zendaya. Tashi knows what she wants and isn't scared to go after it. Because of this, people labeled her “the true villain of the movie.” minimizing the complexity of Tashi’s personality and psyche. Ayan Artan writes for Teen Vogue “Tashi is an anomaly in the tennis world she wants to dominate. She does not have daddy’s money to fall back on…That is what drives her need for greatness, her ambition that presents as callousness and selfishness. She knows that she cannot fail upwards, so she rigs the game the best she can, evening the field to have some of that acclaim for herself…It is thrilling and remarkable to hear a woman admit she’d put herself and her career above all else — even to the detriment of all others.”

I love this shot because you can see how much she enjoys being in control.

Tashi, like many other fictional characters, has fallen victim to old misogyny. The general public is incapable of seeing women as complex human beings. Female characters, as well as real women, are either good or bad. There is no place for nuance. Instead of looking at their choices as a result of their circumstances, audiences will see women who are unapologetically driven and label them as “evil.” Rayne Fisher-Quann said it best when she wrote, “One-dimensionally evil women are invented, not born.”

If we are talking about real people—real women who have been called greedy for wanting to be successful—we have to talk about Taylor Swift. Sorry (not really) to the haters, but she is the perfect example. After years of online harassment and misplaced hatred, Taylor reclaimed her spot as the #1 global pop star. Once again, she is critically acclaimed, commercially successful, and palpable to the general public. Or she was during the summer of 2023. Now, her visibility made her inescapable, therefore insufferable. Taylor is cocky. She purposefully blocks smaller artists from achieving the same success as her. Of course, this means she is not a girls-girl and we must punish her for it. How do we do this? By making the masses hate her again, by calling her selfish and greedy.

Of course, this is not the first time Taylor has been called greedy. A woman of her caliber will face backlash no matter what. What I find interesting is that even if she were chart-obsessed, would that be the biggest offense a musician can commit? One user on Reddit said, “Taylor Swift isn’t any more chart-obsessed than other mainstream artists, she’s just more successful at it.” I have to agree.

To be clear, I am not equating her artistic ambition with her status as a billionaire. I don’t believe anyone should acquire as much capital. I am talking about her ambition as a musician, not as a business person, which I understand can be hypocritical, but two things can be true.

Neither Taylor nor Tashi are perfect people. They constantly make mistakes. Their ambition can be detrimental to others. But, in the scheme of crimes against humanity, is wanting to be the best at what you do the worst of them all? I don’t believe so. I wish I had more of their drive for success, in fact, I’m amazed by their work ethic and ambition. The thing is, I don’t believe I am capable of achieving great things. Not for the lack of talent, but more because I am so scared of failing that I don’t even attempt to try. My fear limits me, and I hate myself for it.

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Most days, I don’t want greatness. I am happy with living a slow, normal life. I wish for stability more than anything. To feel grounded.

In my dreams, I can see myself living in a small city near the beach with a good public transportation system where people are kind to each other. I am happy there. I spend my days reading, writing, and baking pastries. I have a routine—working out, hosting dinners for friends and family, volunteering at a local pet shelter, and visiting the farmer’s market every Sunday. I see myself being pleased with my life. But then I wake up and realize I chose the easy road, and I regret not trying to make a name for myself.

The issue is that I want the best of both worlds. My greed lies in wanting stardom and peace, in wanting it all. I am not sure I will be happy with having a simple life, nor I am sure I can be happy with having a successful public life. And there is no way for me to know if both are possible unless I try. I owe it to myself to be greedy. To indulge in my desires and follow my passions. To meet people, fall in and out of love, write bad poetry, and publish it anyway because you only live once. To eat as many sweet treats and pastries as I can stomach. To jump, even when I know I will not land on my feet.

Let me be clear: this letter is not an apology for people who only care about themselves and who are willing to do everything in their power to get what they want. We have been witnesses to the horrors inflicted on thousands of people by the hands of greedy politicians and business people hungry for power and money. Instead, I am asking myself and all of you: Are we evil for wanting to be the best at what we do? I don’t think we are. Actually, I think we should all be more greedy, especially women. We need to stop worrying about what the world will think of us and go after what we want. We owe it to ourselves to at least try.

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Hi angels!

I just wanted to say that I am so grateful to all of you for reading and engaging with my work. You are the coolest. Thank you a million times.

PS: I created an Instagram account if you want to follow All Over the Place there. I’ll be shitposting and sharing some other cool stuff.

Stay tuned for more and see you in the next one!!

Love,

Luisa