this was so well timed. i am glad i am not the only one feels like they oscillate between “wanting to have it all” (whatever that is) and going full hermit mode, paralyzed by my inability to act.
“The truth is, I am scared all the time, about everything. I'm scared I’m doing too little, and I’m scared I’m doing too much.”
I literally wrote the same thing in my journal as I was reflecting for the past 6 months of 2024. I’m so glad I’m not alone on feeling ALL of it <33 I love this piece sm!!
i believe that you lack direction, you have abc and xyz and 123, all of them being different doesn’t mean they can’t happen simultaneously or sequentially.
I advise you to pick a thing or two and give it or them your all. You can’t be scared of failure or rejection when you constantly refuse to try, all you’re doing is battling with your brain, it isn’t even a battle it’s more like a scuffle: short and confused.
Sit with yourself, examine your interest and passions (trust me they are there). Always keep in mind that you’re never running out of time, there’s no timeline to achieving anything or being anyone so take it easy and take your time but don’t give up before you give yourself the chance to start.
oh i love this comment because it reminded me of a piece i wrote a couple of months ago called “i want to do everything so i do nothing” i have definitely done what you are advising and focus on one thing, i just get too in my head sometimes
This struggle is so real! I had a successful public life and am now striving for a peaceful once but the pull to do and be more, to make a difference, is ever-present.
This perfectly describes my constant back-and-forth between “I want it all” and “I want to just survive and live small”. Why can’t I have both? And why do I feel ashamed of voicing either or when people ask what I want from life? It feels so embarrassing to be like “I want to make as much money as possible so that I have no worries. I want to make my name known so that I can be proud of myself” or “I just want a quiet life in a small town with good transportation and walkability”. I’m either labeled as greedy or not ambitious enough. Nothing is enough for anyone who is looking to criticize 🧘♀️
thank you so much for putting into words exactly how i feel. i don't know how humans can feel the same, think the same thoughts, and want the same desires. i find it quite beautiful nonetheless, thank you once more
I sincerely believe that almost everyone's lives are defined by fear, and I think that it lies so deep that I never really understood why and more importantly how it changed my behaviour.
I recently wrote about it, and one thing about substack is that it's SO COOL to see so many people entering through the same chapters of personal growth. Anyways, I think this could really help people who relate to being controlled by fear:
"Fear is insidious. It is unlike other emotions in how sneaky it is. The amount of opportunities I've missed out on due to fear is life-defining. Happiness is obvious - it overflows out of me and into the world. Sadness and loneliness are painfully sharp. Anger bursts out to the front of my mind, demanding attention.
But fear doesn’t work like that. Fear has no shape of its own. It acts by tampering with other emotions. Fear hides its existence, so it’s incredibly valuable to sense when fear is there. When we think of fear, we think of being scared. But that’s a qualitatively different type of fear. Equating them is like equating tears of happiness and tears of grief.
For me, fear typically manifests itself in two ways. The first one is by suppressing desires. I tell myself I don’t want what I in my heart of hearts want. The second is by artificially creating obstacles between me and what I want, so it feels pointless to try.
Once you learn to listen to it, you'll realise how pervasive and insidious this emotion is. Fear is behind almost every lie we tell ourselves."
Excellent piece. I nodded all the way through, because I sometimes feel this way too. Wanting everything and so much, but at the same time I desire a quiet peaceful life.
I had an obsession with scammers following the Vanity Fair Anna Delvey expose and the Fyre docs. Like many people, I was fascinated and almost inspired by Anna. Why? Because she created the privilege and shortcuts that she wasn't born with. How is she any worse than a nepo baby or a finance bro to your point, "failing upwards"? Both rounded a corner to get what they want. There's a hint of "stay in your place" for people who have wild ambitions but aren't so obviously born into achieving them. Either way, I understand your internal battle with this all too well! I go back and forth too and then have to ask myself: am I just uncomfortable with what it will take or how it might feel to take on the responsibility?
i've been thinking about being greedy and wanting everything A LOT lately. I think especiallyyyy as women we were raised with the expectation that we could accomplish things, but not everything and we had to pick and choose of what kind of woman we wanted to be and be constrained in terms of dreaming. you put this into words so perfectly.
I loveee this post!! It's so relatable. My entire life, I've been driven by a want to be the best. Whenever I have moments where I'm more slack and not doing as much as I could be, I feel an immense amount of guilt and like I'm "wasting my potential." I like to win, and that's something I've always tried to hide about myself, probably because I've been taught competitiveness is not a "good" trait for women to have.
And I completely agree with your points about Taylor Swift. It's so ridiculous to claim she's "not a girl's girl" because of the chart-blocking. I'd bet money that if it were a male artist doing the same thing, no one would bat an eye. So many successful people try to hide their competitiveness and how ambitious they are for the sake of appearing humble, but Taylor is so upfront about it, and I think that's what scares people. There's such a problem in society with people being threatened by successful, confident, and self-assured women.
Same goes with fictional characters, as you mention. Whenever a female character is self-assured and competitive, they are so often villainised. It reminds me of the way Brie Larson was flamed online for confidently bragging about her character Captain Marvel in interviews, even though Robert Downey Jr. would brag about Iron Man in the same way, yet people praised him when he did it. Anyway, this was a great read!!
this is me. I’m so caught between- am I settling or am I content? I know for sure I don’t want to be popular or celebrity type or even a millionaire. I don’t want camera shuttering in my face. But I want to be successful in what I do for myself. I’m always waiting for something to happen to me while I’m rotting on bed lol I lack discipline as well and I lack the driving force. I envy the women who have it and I always think good for them. I liked this post a lot <33
This perfectly puts into words so much of what I’ve been feeling recently. I’m scared to go for it and I’m scared to not. I want everything but I seem to not want it enough. So glad I read this!
this was so well timed. i am glad i am not the only one feels like they oscillate between “wanting to have it all” (whatever that is) and going full hermit mode, paralyzed by my inability to act.
“The truth is, I am scared all the time, about everything. I'm scared I’m doing too little, and I’m scared I’m doing too much.”
I literally wrote the same thing in my journal as I was reflecting for the past 6 months of 2024. I’m so glad I’m not alone on feeling ALL of it <33 I love this piece sm!!
we are hardly ever alone with a feeling!! knowing you’re not the only one who feels a certain way is so reassuring. ty for reading 🩷🩷
thank you for this beautiful piece.
i believe that you lack direction, you have abc and xyz and 123, all of them being different doesn’t mean they can’t happen simultaneously or sequentially.
I advise you to pick a thing or two and give it or them your all. You can’t be scared of failure or rejection when you constantly refuse to try, all you’re doing is battling with your brain, it isn’t even a battle it’s more like a scuffle: short and confused.
Sit with yourself, examine your interest and passions (trust me they are there). Always keep in mind that you’re never running out of time, there’s no timeline to achieving anything or being anyone so take it easy and take your time but don’t give up before you give yourself the chance to start.
oh i love this comment because it reminded me of a piece i wrote a couple of months ago called “i want to do everything so i do nothing” i have definitely done what you are advising and focus on one thing, i just get too in my head sometimes
be gentle with yourself 🩷
This struggle is so real! I had a successful public life and am now striving for a peaceful once but the pull to do and be more, to make a difference, is ever-present.
This perfectly describes my constant back-and-forth between “I want it all” and “I want to just survive and live small”. Why can’t I have both? And why do I feel ashamed of voicing either or when people ask what I want from life? It feels so embarrassing to be like “I want to make as much money as possible so that I have no worries. I want to make my name known so that I can be proud of myself” or “I just want a quiet life in a small town with good transportation and walkability”. I’m either labeled as greedy or not ambitious enough. Nothing is enough for anyone who is looking to criticize 🧘♀️
the only choice is to mute all the outside chatter and do whatever feels right to us
you gave words to the itch i have been feeling.. such a great article ❤️
thank you so much for putting into words exactly how i feel. i don't know how humans can feel the same, think the same thoughts, and want the same desires. i find it quite beautiful nonetheless, thank you once more
I sincerely believe that almost everyone's lives are defined by fear, and I think that it lies so deep that I never really understood why and more importantly how it changed my behaviour.
I recently wrote about it, and one thing about substack is that it's SO COOL to see so many people entering through the same chapters of personal growth. Anyways, I think this could really help people who relate to being controlled by fear:
"Fear is insidious. It is unlike other emotions in how sneaky it is. The amount of opportunities I've missed out on due to fear is life-defining. Happiness is obvious - it overflows out of me and into the world. Sadness and loneliness are painfully sharp. Anger bursts out to the front of my mind, demanding attention.
But fear doesn’t work like that. Fear has no shape of its own. It acts by tampering with other emotions. Fear hides its existence, so it’s incredibly valuable to sense when fear is there. When we think of fear, we think of being scared. But that’s a qualitatively different type of fear. Equating them is like equating tears of happiness and tears of grief.
For me, fear typically manifests itself in two ways. The first one is by suppressing desires. I tell myself I don’t want what I in my heart of hearts want. The second is by artificially creating obstacles between me and what I want, so it feels pointless to try.
Once you learn to listen to it, you'll realise how pervasive and insidious this emotion is. Fear is behind almost every lie we tell ourselves."
Excellent piece. I nodded all the way through, because I sometimes feel this way too. Wanting everything and so much, but at the same time I desire a quiet peaceful life.
I love this piece so much!
I had an obsession with scammers following the Vanity Fair Anna Delvey expose and the Fyre docs. Like many people, I was fascinated and almost inspired by Anna. Why? Because she created the privilege and shortcuts that she wasn't born with. How is she any worse than a nepo baby or a finance bro to your point, "failing upwards"? Both rounded a corner to get what they want. There's a hint of "stay in your place" for people who have wild ambitions but aren't so obviously born into achieving them. Either way, I understand your internal battle with this all too well! I go back and forth too and then have to ask myself: am I just uncomfortable with what it will take or how it might feel to take on the responsibility?
love this piece so much! Literally journaled one very similar to this and so glad to not be alone with this feeling. :,)
i've been thinking about being greedy and wanting everything A LOT lately. I think especiallyyyy as women we were raised with the expectation that we could accomplish things, but not everything and we had to pick and choose of what kind of woman we wanted to be and be constrained in terms of dreaming. you put this into words so perfectly.
a lovely read.
really resonated so much with this.
but i also want to add that growing a newsletter this quickly by being authentically yourself is incredible.
can’t wait to see your movie some day! <3
thank you 🩷
I loveee this post!! It's so relatable. My entire life, I've been driven by a want to be the best. Whenever I have moments where I'm more slack and not doing as much as I could be, I feel an immense amount of guilt and like I'm "wasting my potential." I like to win, and that's something I've always tried to hide about myself, probably because I've been taught competitiveness is not a "good" trait for women to have.
And I completely agree with your points about Taylor Swift. It's so ridiculous to claim she's "not a girl's girl" because of the chart-blocking. I'd bet money that if it were a male artist doing the same thing, no one would bat an eye. So many successful people try to hide their competitiveness and how ambitious they are for the sake of appearing humble, but Taylor is so upfront about it, and I think that's what scares people. There's such a problem in society with people being threatened by successful, confident, and self-assured women.
Same goes with fictional characters, as you mention. Whenever a female character is self-assured and competitive, they are so often villainised. It reminds me of the way Brie Larson was flamed online for confidently bragging about her character Captain Marvel in interviews, even though Robert Downey Jr. would brag about Iron Man in the same way, yet people praised him when he did it. Anyway, this was a great read!!
this is me. I’m so caught between- am I settling or am I content? I know for sure I don’t want to be popular or celebrity type or even a millionaire. I don’t want camera shuttering in my face. But I want to be successful in what I do for myself. I’m always waiting for something to happen to me while I’m rotting on bed lol I lack discipline as well and I lack the driving force. I envy the women who have it and I always think good for them. I liked this post a lot <33
This perfectly puts into words so much of what I’ve been feeling recently. I’m scared to go for it and I’m scared to not. I want everything but I seem to not want it enough. So glad I read this!
thank you for reading <3