i talk to god, but the sky is empty

what to believe when you believe in nothing?

Like most Colombians, I grew up in a catholic household. I was baptized when I wasn’t even a year old; my grandma said God forbid I grew up with a tainted soul. At nine I took communion, and at fifteen I did the confirmation ceremony. To be honest, the only reason I did it was because my friends were doing it; by that time I was having trouble believing god existed, but I’ve been suffering from FOMO since I came out of the womb, so I went with it. 

When I was sixteen, I started saying I was agnostic. My mom was disappointed, baffled even. That wasn’t how she raised me. We fought about it, but she got over it eventually. Still, she hopes one day I will go back to god. Likewise, my sister keeps telling me that my faith will come back when the moment is right. She assures me that one day I will feel god’s presence again. But what if I don’t? What if I never did?

For a long time, I felt damaged, weird, and rebellious for not believing. I tried to feel god’s presence, to connect with the preacher’s words, but I couldn’t. In 2020, I listened to Phoebe Bridger's 'Chinese Satellite’ and felt seen like never before. The chorus goes:

“I want to believe

Instead, I look at the sky and I feel nothing

You know I hate to be alone

I want to be wrong”

This song speaks to me personally. I truly wish I could believe in something that isn’t scientifically proven, and I don’t mean only religion. I’ve even tried pseudosciences like astrology, but in my heart I know I don’t truly buy it. I can’t force myself to feel something that isn’t there. I’ve tried and failed.

Being a nonbeliever has caused me pain. Processing my dad's cancer diagnosis would’ve been easier if I believed in god. If I believed god could give him a second chance to be a better dad, live longer, and mend his youth errors. For a while, I wished I could pray his illness away. But I couldn’t suddenly become a believer. It wasn’t genuine. It was desperate. Instead, I was left hoping modern medicine could heal him.

The truth is, I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to believe in god. I guess I am too much of a skeptic. I doubt everything. Which can be good, but it also feels deeply isolating. Especially when you are surrounded by believers. 

If you asked me what I believe, I would say I believe in humans. In connections, unions, and community. I am a little of a hippie in that sense. Peace and love, and all that. But I trust people. People I don’t hesitate to believe in. We, regular people, have so much more power than we think. Even though institutions have convinced us that we aren’t anything but a means to their ends—customers for their products, spenders who fill their pockets with money, nothing of importance—we have a lot of power in our hands. 

Of course, it serves the system’s interests when society follows religions, new or modern. When we follow, we question less. When we believe nothing is in our power and let greater powers make choices for us, we let life pass us by.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying believers are less clever than non-believers. It would be narrow thinking to hold rationality over religious faith. Still, we can’t deny the connection between religious manipulation and political coercion. Neoliberal politics have shaped the values of religious movements for decades around the globe. But this isn’t new. The church and religion have influenced politics since the Middle Ages.

Mathew Guest says in his book, Neoliberal Religion: Faith and Power in the Twenty-First Century: 

“The logic of neoliberalism has a profound influence over our lives, sometimes via its absorption into religious movements themselves. Some of the most striking examples can be found among the US Christian Right, who have successfully fused conservative Christianity with right-wing social and economic agendas.”

Now, it is not only traditional religions that have an agenda. New-age spirituality does too. These new religions are polluted with conspiracy theories and misinformation. A lot of these new ways (manifestation, law of attraction, etc.) to connect with the universe have cultish language and blame people for bad things happening to them. If you can’t pay rent, you should start manifesting money to come your way. If you don't, it’s your fault when you can’t make it to the end of the month. This rhetoric preys on the most vulnerable and undermines systemic issues that have real effects on our lives. 

Living on this earth can be too much of a hassle most days. We are looking for meaning anywhere, even in the most dangerous places. Amanda Montell, in Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism, argues:

“Most alternative religious leaders come to power not to exploit their followers, but instead to guide them through social and political turbulence…Ultimately, the needs for identity, purpose, and belonging have existed for a very long time, and cultish groups have always sprung up during cultural limbos when these needs have gone sorely unmet.”

Still, I disagree with people who argue that our generation feels lost because we lack moral guidance. We feel lost because the system we live in wasn’t built for us. It’s running us dry. I do believe, religion can offer lost people guidance, but we can’t deny it has also played a part in upholding terrible people in power.

While I was doing research for this, I asked my friends why they believed or didn’t believe in god. The consensus was that they were raised to believe in god. In their twenties, the ones who continue to have faith said it’s because it makes them feel safe. It brings comfort to know the most powerful force is looking out for them. Of course, their faith has evolved since then; some of them are queer and don’t feel welcomed, or don’t agree with the messages of the churches they went to growing up. But they have made up their own rules. No one tells them how to live their faith now.

In her beautiful piece, When God Sings with His Creations, Mel Zog, wrote:

“I love that ‘my generation’ is redefining what religion and spirituality mean beyond the institutions that have tried to confine and imprint societal rules on them… Conservatives often gatekeep faith, insisting that it requires a specific set of rules to be considered true religion, because anything that grows outside of that framework is seen as uncontrollable. When people choose to find their own path to religion—believing they can be gay, trans, or any other identity supposedly forbidden by sacred texts, while still believing in God and praying in their own way—it’s a little bit of a revolution, isn’t it?

Christianity and Catholicism have been since their invention religions based on obedience and guilt. Its creators taught that fear was the only way society would abide by rules, yet moral guidance doesn’t have to come from a place of fear. Religious leaders will tell you otherwise, but some of us are good people only because we want to be. Not because we have to, or because god said we have to if we don’t want to burn in hell.

I want to finish by saying that the reason why I have shied away from religion is not because something traumatic happened to me. I just got tired of pretending I believed in something I didn’t. I don’t feel drawn to religion in the sense that I don’t feel the need for guidance from an omnipotent force. Nor do I feel the need to believe in anything greater than myself to give me reassurance that everything will be ok. I no longer perform religious rituals because my friends do it. I have grown and have learned to accept my skepticism towards life and its meaning. Why are we alive if not to live? 

I still talk to god sometimes. I ask the universe not to let my loved ones die. I say “thank god” when something good happens or “please, jesus, help me” when I need extra luck, but it’s more a learned behavior than a plea for help. I’m not really expecting my words to be listened to or have any effect. I guess, even if I don’t believe my answers will be heard, asking for something from god, the universe, or whatever is listening gives me enough comfort. I just have to voice it. No answers are needed. 

I’m going to keep questioning everything. I am going to keep trusting people and believing in the power of unions. I am getting more comfortable with being alive and knowing I forge my own destiny every day. Whatever happens next, it’s up to me. Isn’t that exciting?

Love, always

Luisa

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