soulmates aren't real
at least not in the way we believe
Since I was a child, I have heard people reply, “Once you fall in love, you’ll change your mind,” to my remarks on marriage and having kids. Meaning, that once I meet ‘the one’ I will change my wishes and life plans because there is nothing more crucial than conforming to our most sacred institution, the family.
Maybe it was growing up with divorced parents. Maybe I was born cynical. But I don’t believe in the concept of soulmates, as most people who believe in them do. I have yet to find the person who makes me want to drop everything to be with them. I am in no rush, to be honest. Finding ‘the one’ has never been my priority, which is strange because every little girl has been told that the most important thing they can do is fall in love and have a family of their own.
My upbringing has a lot to do with my notion of romance. I was raised by a single mom. My sister and I have been my mother’s priority ever since she and my dad separated. She didn’t date anyone when we were little because, between work and life, she had no time for romance. Plus, she wasn’t ready to trust anyone anytime soon, and the men who pursued her weren’t worth her time (her words, not mine). Growing up in a house where only women lived and where we didn’t need any men to complete our lives shaped my standards for dating. If I date someone, it is because they bring something valuable to my life that I didn’t have before. I didn’t watch my mom prioritize men and dating over us. I never learned to view romantic relationships as a necessity. I didn’t learn to ever settle for anything less than what I deserved. I owe my mom that.
So, I’ve been single my entire life. I’m like Frances Ha, undatable—I don’t actively seek relationships. I don’t engage in casual dating. I have extremely high standards and no interest in being appealing to men. I never learned to care. Still, I am a romantic. I love Jane Austen’s dramas, romantic comedies, love songs, poems about longing—all of it. I love it. But here’s the twist: romance as an abstract concept sounds appealing to me, but in real life, the dating scene makes me wonder if a life of celibacy isn’t the better option.
When people speak of soulmates, they often describe an almost magical connection—a feeling of completeness and understanding that you have never experienced before. Most people spend their entire lives seeking this thing. We want it so bad that we are willing to forgive unforgivable acts because this person might be ‘the one’. This individual who makes your heart ache and your head hurt was born to be with you, and every hardship you encounter in the relationship is just a stepping stone leading you to your happy ever after. You must endure.
Two years ago, I met someone who, for a while, made me believe that thing was real. For a moment, I believed in heaven, in otherworldly connections. I got to experience what people spend their entire lives looking for—we shared an unspoken language and connection that I never thought I encountered. For the first time in my life, romance was appealing to me. The concept of dating wasn’t sickening. I was down badly. So much so that I thought we were going to be (in some capacity) in each other's lives forever.
At the time, I was not able to verbalize how much this relationship meant to me. I was embarrassed. I felt uncomfortable, inadequate, and incapable of being vulnerable. But I did my best to open myself up. I shared secrets, fears, songs, and favorite movies. I made excuses, all in the name of a special connection. As with every great love story, it came to an end. I don’t regret that it happened. I’m happy I got to experience it, even if it didn’t last. The duration of our relationship, whatever it was, is not important. It was real, and it made me believe. Because of it, I learned that relationships without care, trust, and honesty don’t last. No matter how strong the connection is.
Throughout your life, you will find people who you instantly click with, stars will align, and your heart will feel so full that you might believe you can live solely on the luscious emotions this person makes you feel.
“Marianne, he said, I'm not a religious person but I do sometimes think God made you for me.”
- Sally Rooney, Normal People
Recently, I finished re-reading Normal People. It got me thinking about the concept of soulmates, hence the inspiration for this post. Marianne and Connell are the best examples of it. They understand each other in a way that other people can’t. Throughout the years, we see them having inexplicably good, crazy sex, breaking up over misunderstandings, and making up. They become friends, lovers, and exes. They come together and apart. They grow together and make each other better. In the end, they let each other go. Marianne, for once in her life, prioritizes herself and her needs and decides to stay in Dublin to keep building a life of her own instead of following Connell to New York. He leaves, scared that he won’t be able to make it by himself, but knowing that whenever he rings the bell, Marianne will answer. They are forever entangled.
Marianne and Connell’s relationship teaches us something about relationships bigger than soulmatism. Their story is one about the impact that we can have on people when we are good to one another. Relationships can last if there is communication and we allow ourselves to trust. It’s about the importance of community and feeling worthy of love. A love story about giving our best to each other.
I understand that in a hyperindividualistic society, being partnered is the law. I understand the desire to find someone who understands and sees you. But I think expecting one person to make you feel complete is not realistic or fair to the other person. We need community. We need support and love. Expecting your partner to be the sole carrier of your wholeness might feel like a burden. Being romance-driven can cause a lot of unnecessary pain. We set ourselves up for failure every time we enter a relationship, imagining it will last forever or knowing we are willing to do everything and forgive anything if it means staying with the person with whom we shared a special connection.
Society has long fed us the narrative of finding "the one," especially targeting women. It is everywhere. It’s your friend who tells you it’s time to set up a profile on a dating app. Your grandmother asking when she is going to meet your boyfriend. Your dad asking why you aren’t dating that male friend you hang out with all the time. It is exhausting. I am sick of being asked why I don’t date anyone. I am tired of explaining that when the right time and person comes, I will. I am tired of pretending I’m only interested in men. I’m just tired.
To everyone’s surprise, I don’t feel incomplete. I don’t feel like something is missing in my life. Have people stopped to think that maybe being in a relationship isn’t everyone’s goal? I am not ashamed of my singleness. I take pride in it. I know that out there, there are people who will see me for who I am. I am in no rush to find them right now.
Soulmates can exist. But I don’t think that that unspeakable thing we share will guarantee the success of one’s relationship. Emotions are temporary. Relationships are not prophecies. We have to make them work every single day actively. If we stop putting in the effort, they will die. Soulmates can become undone because of life circumstances. If it’s not the right time, it’s not the right person. We can’t separate people from their context. Understanding this will only enhance our lives.
That person who was once your soulmate, may not be your person forever. That doesn’t make your relationship any less special, because ‘the one’ is made. We build it together.
i was in love with someone for 5 years, i felt so strongly about them like i’d never be able to stop loving them… now, i love them, in that calm way that you share an understanding and fondness for each other.
slowly but surely i learnt that the love we give to others isn’t less impactful, less impressive or less important because it’s out of a romantic and or sexual relationship/context.
i’m happy being single now and working on fostering relationships in community.
we all have so much love to give to each other, i wish more people would understand that the expression of love out of a conventional relationship is not a waste and to me, is even more necessary.
"We have to make them work every single day actively. If we stop putting in the effort, they will die."
— Honestly so refreshing to see someone finally get this. A lot of people simply don't understand that one doesn't have to seek a relationship and make it a priority. I believe if love is supposed to come your way, it will. But we also need to untangle ourselves from the lies media & people keep feeding us about love and how we need to be in a romantic relationship feel fulfilled. For me, my platonic relationships have made me grow and learn a lot about what love is and that 'soulmates' aren't what we think they are. It's never about finding your 'other half', but rather about finding someone you can grow with, who makes you want to be better. Relationships won't last without communication, understanding & trust. Not everything is forever and that's okay. You've got to nurture love like a Flower for it to be kept alive.