i was in love with someone for 5 years, i felt so strongly about them like i’d never be able to stop loving them… now, i love them, in that calm way that you share an understanding and fondness for each other.
slowly but surely i learnt that the love we give to others isn’t less impactful, less impressive or less important because it’s out of a romantic and or sexual relationship/context.
i’m happy being single now and working on fostering relationships in community.
we all have so much love to give to each other, i wish more people would understand that the expression of love out of a conventional relationship is not a waste and to me, is even more necessary.
"We have to make them work every single day actively. If we stop putting in the effort, they will die."
— Honestly so refreshing to see someone finally get this. A lot of people simply don't understand that one doesn't have to seek a relationship and make it a priority. I believe if love is supposed to come your way, it will. But we also need to untangle ourselves from the lies media & people keep feeding us about love and how we need to be in a romantic relationship feel fulfilled. For me, my platonic relationships have made me grow and learn a lot about what love is and that 'soulmates' aren't what we think they are. It's never about finding your 'other half', but rather about finding someone you can grow with, who makes you want to be better. Relationships won't last without communication, understanding & trust. Not everything is forever and that's okay. You've got to nurture love like a Flower for it to be kept alive.
I think relationships are as successful as one‘s sense of trust. The backbone of my trustfulness is nothing I have learned from from my parents growing up. I had to really work hard (still am) to build a sense of confidence towards myself, reading and feeling my emotions, knowing how to introspectively reflect when something happens in relationships, etc. … I think these things really make or break relationships, knowing your boundaries (the ones set for yourself and the ones for others) and where you are. And some people can enable or contest who you are and where you are. Idk I had to think of these things while I read your text, thank you so much!!! 🌱
Absolutely, soulmates, ‘the one’ whatever we want to call are right for us only if both people make it work. As poetic as it sounds fateful partnerships aren’t enough to make a relationship work. I wish you the best, you’ll find your people <3
I am a 20 year old college student who has never had a relationship. These past few days have bene really tough because, I however, am on the other side of you. A relationship is my goal.
But I think that it is absolutely beautiful how you wrote this. The "one" does not just come perfect. You build it. He learns me, I learn him.
I have the hobbies, I have the self love, I have the life I want but I don't think it's a crime to want to share with someone. But I have to understand that when stories collide, we might have to move a comma or two around to make it read seamlessly.
I think the movies and media I consumed as a young teen only showed the few hiccups, the small things that could be talked about or fixed by a romantic gesture but that isn't how real life and real love works. It's tiring, it's a new challenge everyday but it also undeniable, it's a certainty, it's the feeling of "idc how long this takes, I want to fix it"
I think I would lie to myself and say that I "want to fix it" with the guys in the past but there had to be something to fix. I think now, in hind sight, I can there was nothing to fix. They were just the words I needed to add in order to make my story even stronger.
I think this was a fantastic read and it gave me a new look onto my want for a relationship. Great great read!
i too want a relationship but i don’t want to loose myself in the process hence why im very hesitant about dating. thank you so much for reading, i hope you find love soon <3
Luisa, this was so beautiful and so well written. While I am a lifelong romantic, I have never centered my life around romance or men and honestly.......feel like my life is so much better because of it. It's sometimes difficult and confusing because it seems like everyone is searching for this one thing and I'm like "but life is good and you'll be alright with or without it?!" I really love your perspective and want to re-read this over and over again to keep getting new insights x
This is a great post. I just recently dipped my toe very lightly into the dating scene and because I have felt so fulfilled without it, I just see it as an interesting way to meet people or add something nice to my life. I am so whole from my friends, my creative work, and especially my solitude. It came at the right time and I never forced myself until I was ready, but going into dating with the mindset you and I are describing is the healthiest way to do it; I happen to think that it also attracts higher-quality people because you aren't radiating anxiety or desperation to "find" someone.
Beautiful piece! Thank you for writing with profound insight, honesty, and sincerity. I love the way you write so succinctly about the value of solitude in contrast to the myth of true romance. As more people grow up with divorced or single parents, I wonder if this fictional notion of marriage as the ultimate social currency or status symbol will begin to change? At least, I hope it does. You’re right about the inherent importance of honesty and communication in all kinds of relationships, both familial, platonic, and romantic. Your idea of being enamored by the construct of fictional romance while simultaneously being free to feel content as a single person was a fascinating idea to me; two contradictory ideas can both be true to a person, because people are complex and multifaceted. There’s an early 2000s film called Amores Perros, and your quote from Normal People reminded me of one line in from Amores Perros (translated roughly to love is a b***h, I think?) The lead character says to her male suitor: “if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans.” That searing line has stayed with me for quite some time. Whenever life throws me off from how imagined things are meant to be, I think of that quote. I enjoyed reading your lucid description of growing up as a kid with your sisters and single mom. Thank for your beautiful and intelligent writing.
Thank you for reading and leaving such a thoughtful comment <3 I've had amores perros in my watchlist for years and now that you mention it, I will a 100% be watching it soon.
I fully believe that we choose our soulmates!! The spark is definitely important but so is the time, love and energy we dedicate to the relationship. I also very much believe in platonic soulmates and have found so much fulfillment in watching me and my best friends coming together and apart over the span of many years. It’s a hard thing to grow with someone, but when you do it’s magical!! One of my best friends has been in my life since we were both two years old--being friends through such turbulent developmental periods has solidified that we’re still in each other’s lives because we’re making the active choice to be.
This is so well written and really made me feel seen!! I grew up in a very similar situation and feel exactly the way you do about relationships. We need to break out of this societal model that makes people feel like they need to be in a relationship and teach people to value themselves and their solitude so that IF they decide to be in a relationship it will be with someone who enhance their life, instead of settling for anyone just to be in a relationship. Thank you for writing this❤️
Very interesting read. As a girl with a similar upbringing and stance I often think about what love actually means. I found my soulmate years ago. And it while I didn’t think he completed me I did find myself becoming a romantic version of myself I didn’t know existed. And years later, our relationship has evolved and we’ve grown so much but always knew we had to grow together. I didn’t know it at the time but we subconsciously made a decision to keep space for each other so that neither was left behind. I’m starting to think that maybe that’s another layer of love? No one talks about what happens after the denouement of whirlwind romance. Maybe love is the conscious choice to keep coming back to that person? To choose them every single day, a living promise. Food for thought I guess.
I have no experiences to share, no thought that strike but I completely feel and understand every word that I read here. I am happy and glad being single. Never have I dreamt of a life with another person and I've always thought that it was a defect of mine but as I read this, I understand. I see myself and pray that we all create communities around one another to uphold in love and friendship.
I find it so important to talk about how the construction of monogamous romantic love ‘intoxicates’ us and makes us feel so inadequate when we do not respond to this normativity.
I wrote my first post on substack months ago talking about how the hierarchy we create between relationships and how we often place romantic relationships above friendships and how important our network of relationships outside of the monogamous couple is.
However, I am speaking from a posture of a romantic relationship with someone with whom I have had a relationship for many, many years, so it is important for me to question myself because no matter how much I try to deconstruct myself, I still adore romance and realize how much it is tied to heteronormativity and patriarchy.
I'm so happy to read someone who understands me so well and I smiled at the part where you talk about the grandmother asking questions about our future and possible partners, because I too quoted the same example months ago in my post and it makes me realize how culturally it is introjected a bit everywhere and how often we all experience the same pressure.
Often people fall in love with the idea of being in love, having a soulmate, rather than the actual person. Love is also to be found in family and friendships.
i was in love with someone for 5 years, i felt so strongly about them like i’d never be able to stop loving them… now, i love them, in that calm way that you share an understanding and fondness for each other.
slowly but surely i learnt that the love we give to others isn’t less impactful, less impressive or less important because it’s out of a romantic and or sexual relationship/context.
i’m happy being single now and working on fostering relationships in community.
we all have so much love to give to each other, i wish more people would understand that the expression of love out of a conventional relationship is not a waste and to me, is even more necessary.
absolutely! i have faith tho, i'm seeing a slow but sure shift to fostering relationships outside of the sexual/romantic and i love it
"We have to make them work every single day actively. If we stop putting in the effort, they will die."
— Honestly so refreshing to see someone finally get this. A lot of people simply don't understand that one doesn't have to seek a relationship and make it a priority. I believe if love is supposed to come your way, it will. But we also need to untangle ourselves from the lies media & people keep feeding us about love and how we need to be in a romantic relationship feel fulfilled. For me, my platonic relationships have made me grow and learn a lot about what love is and that 'soulmates' aren't what we think they are. It's never about finding your 'other half', but rather about finding someone you can grow with, who makes you want to be better. Relationships won't last without communication, understanding & trust. Not everything is forever and that's okay. You've got to nurture love like a Flower for it to be kept alive.
omg. As someone who does not enjoy casual dating this totally spoke to me. an excellent read!!!!
I think relationships are as successful as one‘s sense of trust. The backbone of my trustfulness is nothing I have learned from from my parents growing up. I had to really work hard (still am) to build a sense of confidence towards myself, reading and feeling my emotions, knowing how to introspectively reflect when something happens in relationships, etc. … I think these things really make or break relationships, knowing your boundaries (the ones set for yourself and the ones for others) and where you are. And some people can enable or contest who you are and where you are. Idk I had to think of these things while I read your text, thank you so much!!! 🌱
Absolutely, soulmates, ‘the one’ whatever we want to call are right for us only if both people make it work. As poetic as it sounds fateful partnerships aren’t enough to make a relationship work. I wish you the best, you’ll find your people <3
Wow,
I am a 20 year old college student who has never had a relationship. These past few days have bene really tough because, I however, am on the other side of you. A relationship is my goal.
But I think that it is absolutely beautiful how you wrote this. The "one" does not just come perfect. You build it. He learns me, I learn him.
I have the hobbies, I have the self love, I have the life I want but I don't think it's a crime to want to share with someone. But I have to understand that when stories collide, we might have to move a comma or two around to make it read seamlessly.
I think the movies and media I consumed as a young teen only showed the few hiccups, the small things that could be talked about or fixed by a romantic gesture but that isn't how real life and real love works. It's tiring, it's a new challenge everyday but it also undeniable, it's a certainty, it's the feeling of "idc how long this takes, I want to fix it"
I think I would lie to myself and say that I "want to fix it" with the guys in the past but there had to be something to fix. I think now, in hind sight, I can there was nothing to fix. They were just the words I needed to add in order to make my story even stronger.
I think this was a fantastic read and it gave me a new look onto my want for a relationship. Great great read!
i too want a relationship but i don’t want to loose myself in the process hence why im very hesitant about dating. thank you so much for reading, i hope you find love soon <3
Luisa, this was so beautiful and so well written. While I am a lifelong romantic, I have never centered my life around romance or men and honestly.......feel like my life is so much better because of it. It's sometimes difficult and confusing because it seems like everyone is searching for this one thing and I'm like "but life is good and you'll be alright with or without it?!" I really love your perspective and want to re-read this over and over again to keep getting new insights x
This is a great post. I just recently dipped my toe very lightly into the dating scene and because I have felt so fulfilled without it, I just see it as an interesting way to meet people or add something nice to my life. I am so whole from my friends, my creative work, and especially my solitude. It came at the right time and I never forced myself until I was ready, but going into dating with the mindset you and I are describing is the healthiest way to do it; I happen to think that it also attracts higher-quality people because you aren't radiating anxiety or desperation to "find" someone.
Beautiful piece! Thank you for writing with profound insight, honesty, and sincerity. I love the way you write so succinctly about the value of solitude in contrast to the myth of true romance. As more people grow up with divorced or single parents, I wonder if this fictional notion of marriage as the ultimate social currency or status symbol will begin to change? At least, I hope it does. You’re right about the inherent importance of honesty and communication in all kinds of relationships, both familial, platonic, and romantic. Your idea of being enamored by the construct of fictional romance while simultaneously being free to feel content as a single person was a fascinating idea to me; two contradictory ideas can both be true to a person, because people are complex and multifaceted. There’s an early 2000s film called Amores Perros, and your quote from Normal People reminded me of one line in from Amores Perros (translated roughly to love is a b***h, I think?) The lead character says to her male suitor: “if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans.” That searing line has stayed with me for quite some time. Whenever life throws me off from how imagined things are meant to be, I think of that quote. I enjoyed reading your lucid description of growing up as a kid with your sisters and single mom. Thank for your beautiful and intelligent writing.
Thank you for reading and leaving such a thoughtful comment <3 I've had amores perros in my watchlist for years and now that you mention it, I will a 100% be watching it soon.
I fully believe that we choose our soulmates!! The spark is definitely important but so is the time, love and energy we dedicate to the relationship. I also very much believe in platonic soulmates and have found so much fulfillment in watching me and my best friends coming together and apart over the span of many years. It’s a hard thing to grow with someone, but when you do it’s magical!! One of my best friends has been in my life since we were both two years old--being friends through such turbulent developmental periods has solidified that we’re still in each other’s lives because we’re making the active choice to be.
This is so well written and really made me feel seen!! I grew up in a very similar situation and feel exactly the way you do about relationships. We need to break out of this societal model that makes people feel like they need to be in a relationship and teach people to value themselves and their solitude so that IF they decide to be in a relationship it will be with someone who enhance their life, instead of settling for anyone just to be in a relationship. Thank you for writing this❤️
Very interesting read. As a girl with a similar upbringing and stance I often think about what love actually means. I found my soulmate years ago. And it while I didn’t think he completed me I did find myself becoming a romantic version of myself I didn’t know existed. And years later, our relationship has evolved and we’ve grown so much but always knew we had to grow together. I didn’t know it at the time but we subconsciously made a decision to keep space for each other so that neither was left behind. I’m starting to think that maybe that’s another layer of love? No one talks about what happens after the denouement of whirlwind romance. Maybe love is the conscious choice to keep coming back to that person? To choose them every single day, a living promise. Food for thought I guess.
this is such a beautiful way to put it, thank you for your thoughts 💜
Beautiful post✨
I loved reading this, I second everything you wrote 🩷
I have no experiences to share, no thought that strike but I completely feel and understand every word that I read here. I am happy and glad being single. Never have I dreamt of a life with another person and I've always thought that it was a defect of mine but as I read this, I understand. I see myself and pray that we all create communities around one another to uphold in love and friendship.
Luisa, thank you very much for your work.
I find it so important to talk about how the construction of monogamous romantic love ‘intoxicates’ us and makes us feel so inadequate when we do not respond to this normativity.
I wrote my first post on substack months ago talking about how the hierarchy we create between relationships and how we often place romantic relationships above friendships and how important our network of relationships outside of the monogamous couple is.
However, I am speaking from a posture of a romantic relationship with someone with whom I have had a relationship for many, many years, so it is important for me to question myself because no matter how much I try to deconstruct myself, I still adore romance and realize how much it is tied to heteronormativity and patriarchy.
I'm so happy to read someone who understands me so well and I smiled at the part where you talk about the grandmother asking questions about our future and possible partners, because I too quoted the same example months ago in my post and it makes me realize how culturally it is introjected a bit everywhere and how often we all experience the same pressure.
Often people fall in love with the idea of being in love, having a soulmate, rather than the actual person. Love is also to be found in family and friendships.
Thank you for this lovely read!