tears of may

everything i cried over last month

This publication has gained way more attention than I ever thought it would receive when I created it. With every new subscriber, I become much more demanding and overcritical about what I write.

Personal essays and critical articles are my favorites to write, but today I will try something different. More laid-back. I would love for you to stick around.

(I was inspired by Reet Lonari’s post everything i googled this week, so kudos to her for giving me an idea of what to do with my RECAP series.)

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May was an intense month. I went through every single emotion that exists. I was sad, happy, angry, nostalgic, scared, bored, lazy, hungry... I felt everything that there is to feel. Isn’t that beautiful? How much are we able to feel in so little time? Looking back, I am grateful that I am a feeling being, but in the moment, I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I wished for numbness.

For the last two years, I’ve been on medication that helps me manage my mental health. I have become so used to it that I forgot how it feels to be alive when there aren’t chemicals producing extra serotonin in my body. I am currently on a lower dose of my medication, and it has been hard getting used to it. Suddenly, I can cry easily. I can feel my emotions more intensely. It is overwhelming.

To anyone who might be going through a similar experience, you are not alone. It is a scary situation to go through. During my teenage years, I felt the intensity of my emotions was exhausting and suffocating. Everything made me cry. I felt every word and action was thrown at me to hurt me. I was miserable. Then, I discovered pills called SSRIs, and I became a person who felt emotions with less intensity. It was everything I ever wanted. But it wasn’t just the pills that helped; it was my willingness to get better.

Still, I’m hesitant to live a life free of SSRIS. I’m scared that I won’t be able to manage and process my emotions in healthy ways without the help of medication. Even when I know that the only reason medication has worked so well for me is due to therapy and all the work me and my therapist have done together to help get me to the place I’m in.

The letter R for me came in the way of Release. I cried over lots of things in May. Not even sappy things; I just felt like crying all the time. What a wonderful thing it is to cry. Tears fall down your face as a form of release. As a way of catharsis. This month, I was able to cry like I hadn’t in a while. It was lovely.

I’m going to cheat for the letter E and use a word in Spanish. Extrañar means to miss. I feel like I am always missing someone. Their absence pierces my heart. I can’t stop missing people, even when they aren’t real. This month, I kept having vivid dreams about people who are no longer in my life or who I haven’t ever met, and I woke up missing them. Missing them made me cry.

Food and I have a complex relationship. Love and hate. Relaxation and stress. I think about it all the time. I wake up excited about having breakfast. Lunch I don't care much for. Dinner is fun. This month, the letter C represents Cooking. I love cooking for myself and other people; it brings me so much joy, and I wanted to share some new recipes that I tried and loved in May. If you cook them, please let me know what you think.

Tortilla española

Ingredients: 

• 5 eggs

• 1 white onion

• two medium potatoes

• butter and olive oil

• spices (I used pepper, paprika, herbs, and chili flakes)

How to cook:

1. Peel the potatoes and cut them into tiny squares, or chips. 

2. Heat a nonstick pan and put about two tablespoons of olive oil inside. 

3. Fry the potatoes until golden brown. Sprinkle salt and pepper. Once ready, take them out of the pan and put them in a separate bowl.

4. Cut the onion into thin slices and cook them until transparent. Take them out and put them with the potatoes.

5. Crack the eggs and whisk until combined. 

6. In the same bowl, add the potatoes, onion, and eggs. Spice it up before cooking it all together.

7. Rub the butter into the pan and throw everything together for around four minutes with a lid on. 

8. Put a plate above the pan and flip it to the cooked side. 

9. Carefully flip it again and cook until done.

I was so hungry when my friend and I cooked this dish that I didn’t take any pictures, but it was delicious. Trust me.

Roasted chickpea and broccoli salad

You can find the ingredients and instructions here. 

picture doesn’t do justice to how good this tastes

This month, the letter A came to me as Art. Here is some art that made me feel things in May:

• L'Art de la Conversation by René Magritte.

(1963)

Looking at this painting made me think about how special conversation is, how some people can make you feel like you are floating when you talk to them, and how high you can get together only by speaking and listening to each other. 

• The umbrellas of Cherbourg.

Jacques Demy (1964)

This movie is a classic. With reason. I know lots of people don’t like musicals, but I do, and this one has become one of my favorites. It deals with the concepts of right person, wrong time, and young love. It was lovely all the way through. I cried at the end, of course.

P stands for Power. It is so special that I get to write about my most embarrassing, ugly, and strange feelings here, and it makes me feel so powerful to be able to touch people with my words. Whether it is two, twenty, or two hundred people, any number of individuals taking the time to read my work and leave me carefully crafted comments gives me so much power. Thank you to all of you.

See you at the next one!

Love,

Luisa