I want to do everything, so I do nothing

On midnight anxieties and career paths

Five tabs sit open in my browser: an article from The New Yorker, an episode of Superstore, a video essay on YouTube about the resurgence of trad wives, a PDF I have to summarize, and a draft for my next blog. I click on links, read a few words, get sidetracked by something more appealing, and promise myself that I'll return to the content later. (I never actually do.)

Every day, I wake up and scroll through social media. I try to read two pages of the book I’ve been reading for months and give up after ten minutes. I play Wordle and Connections because doing puzzles is good for my mind, right? I scroll through LinkedIn and decide I need to research master’s degree scholarships. I get overwhelmed. I close all my open tabs. 

At night, I lay in bed (sometimes on the floor) and think about all the options I could choose from. I want to be a writer, a poet, a counselor, a scholar, a teacher, and an actress. Learn French, Italian, and Portuguese. Bake pastries in the south of France. Watch all the movies on my watchlist. Listen to every good song that was ever written. I want to stay up late and go to bed at 9:30 p.m. 

I want to do everything, so I do nothing.

These past few months, I have felt in limbo. I'm not sure where my life is going, and it gets overwhelming at times. I am in my last year of undergrad and will soon go out into the crazy-competitive labor market. My career offers me a vast variety, which I love because I have the opportunity to work in different fields, but it also means I need to figure out which one I like the most.

I’m passionate about various things: social work, cuisine, psychology, art in all its forms, education, and politics. Sometimes I can feel the pressure to choose one. But I don’t have to. Not yet. I am in a privileged position, supported emotionally and financially by my parents while I discover what I want to do. 

I could blame my indecision on my sun sign. Sagittarians have a passion for knowledge. We want to know everything about everything. But I’m not alone in this feeling; it is a pretty common dilemma, especially for young people wanting to work in the creative scene. There are so many options, and we don’t want to feel restricted. How do we choose.?

Joachim Trier's film, The Worst Person in the World, tells the story of Julie, a young woman attempting to make her way through life. We see her changing career paths multiple times: medical student, psychologist, retail worker, writer, and photographer.

Julie is unapologetically herself; she follows her heart and jumps to new things, even when they are uncertain. She falls in love hard. Then she falls out of love and moves on to a different person. Because of this, Julie feels like the worst person in the world. She states:

“I feel like I never see anything through. I go from one thing to another.”

What Julie saw as a weakness, I see as inspiration. She is fearless, follows her heart, and stays true to herself. Sure, this way of life brings a lot of uncertainty and is not sustainable for most working-class people, yet her story represents the existential crisis every young adult goes through, especially in our twenties. 

In The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, Sylvia Plath writes: 

“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.”

These lines summarize how I and a lot of people in our twenties feel: Overwhelmed by the amount of things we could do. Paralyzed by fear and anxiety about the future. Yearning for adventure, knowledge, and connection.

Life can feel unbearable when you don’t know what you want out of it or when you don't know which path is the right one for you. Yet, I’ve realized that I can’t do everything I want to do at the same time. So I decided to focus on one thing at a time. 

Recently, I have been practicing my writing. For the longest time, I was afraid of publishing any of my work. I was even hesitant to write for myself, but if I ever want to become a good writer, I need to practice. So I created this blog/newsletter. I can feel myself growing in confidence every day. I’m still finding my voice, but I'm not rushing the process.

In the meantime, I am trying to stick to a weekly post, which hasn’t been easy. Nevertheless, I am pushing myself to work on what is calling to me right now: writing.

Maybe, after I graduate, I will realize that writing is not what I want to do anymore, but I’m focusing on the present. I’m choosing to use my privileges and free time to work on something I am passionate about. Like Julie from The Worst Person in the World, I can always change career paths later in life. Which I acknowledge can be hard, especially for marginalized people. 

If you find yourself in the same position, I have some advice for you: Allow yourself to be a beginner at something. Try different things, just not at the same time. When we try to do everything at once, it gets overwhelming. Think about what is calling to you right now. Which passion or interest of yours is the one you resonate the most with at the moment? Try it for a while, give yourself grace, and be disciplined.

If, in the process, you find out it wasn’t for you, you can always try something different. There is still time. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.

Love,

Luisa

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